Comptroller Cartman Sues SOS…Again
By Vince Leibowitz on Jul 13, 2006 in Comptroller Cartman
Remember the episode of South Park where Eric Cartman sues Stan for sexual harassment?
Sans an appearance by Sexual Harassment/Don’t Sue People Panda (and any sexual harassment being involved in this particular case), Carole Keeton Strayhorn suing the Secretary of State to be listed as ‘Grandma’ on the ballot is begining to remind me way, way, too much of this South Park episode. And my ability to continue to distinguish Carole Strayhorn from Eric Cartman is becoming very, very….very…..very diminished.
I’ve called Strayhorn, “Comptroller Cartman” before because she seems to have effectively adopted his “Whatava! I do what I want! I do what I want! Respect My Authoritah!” mantra.
After all, the woman has to know she has no chance in hell of being able to be listed on the ballot as “Grandma.” I’m sure a thousand election law attorneys (if there are that many in Texas) lined up in a row would all tell Strayhorn, “lady, you’re crazy,” if she just went down the row asking them, “Do you think I can be listed on the ballot as “Grandma?”
Just for fun, here is what I think Strayhorn’s testimony will sound like if she has to get on the stand and testify about her “grandma-ness:” (If you’re a fan of South Park, you know where most of her phrases come from. If not, go here)
Attorney for the State: Comptroller Strayhorn, you have petitioned this court to be listed on the ballot as, “Grandma,” is that correct.
CKMRStrayhorn: Yeah, it’s correct. Whatevah. I do what I want. I run Grandma’s House.
AFS: Uh, ok. And, Comptroller Strayhorn, why do you believe that, in your case, “Grandma” constitutes an actual name for you and not a slogan?
CKMRS: Hippieeees…. Hippieees all around me, they say they wanna save the world but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad….
AFS: Excuse me, Comptroller Strayhorn?
CKMRS: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. Because I am a mother and a grandmother, and people on the street just call me “Grandma.”
AFS: I’m sorry?
CKMRS: I’m seriously you guys!
AFS: Ok. But why do you believe you have some special right to have this moniker on the ballot?
CKMRS: You’re breaking my balls here, you’re breaking my balls!
AFS: I beg your pardon?
CKMRS: Well…
AFS: Never mind. Don’t you think it’s a little obtouse of you to think you have this special right?
CKMRS: I’m not fat, I’m big boned.
AFS: What? I’m confused?
CKMRS: Mmm. Your tears are so yummy and sweet!
AFS: What? I have no idea what you are talking about.
CKMRS: You see, it’s like this. Secretary of State Roger Williams is trying to disenfranchise me. This is all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap. I was just hangin out in the SPC, kickin it with some Gs on the west sieeda, ya’ know, and I started thinking that if Kinky Friedman can be Kinky then I should be able to be Grandma, goddamnit! You will respect my authoritah!
AFS: Comptroller Stryhorn, I think you just made my point. You called one of your opponents, Mr. Friedman, “Kinky.” Your honor, the state rests.
CKMRS: Oh, goddamit!!!! Democrats piss me off! I mean it’s like he called me a pussay! Shut your stupid Jew mouth!!! That’s right, I’m talking to you, Kinky. Na na na na na na, Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I will not live my life as a Goddamn minority!
Although that may be slightly more low-brow than we have to look forward to, it is humerous.
So, you’re telling me you’re a South Park fan?
vince this is awesome. LMFAO!
[...] Likely factors contributing to Strayhorn’s elephantine plummet are voter fatigue and continued negative media attention she has received as a result of the litigious nature of her campaign, which recently filed a second lawsuit against the Texas Secretary of State in which she seeks to be listed on the ballot as “Grandma.” A poll by an Austin television station shows more than 60 percent of those responding believe the litigation is harmful to Strayhorn’s campaign. According to Jason Stanford of the Chris Bell campaign, a contributor to Bell’s rise was his recent round of television commercials to boost his name recognition: Second, this poll was in the field July 11-19, and “Think Big” went on the air in markets across Texas on July 18. That’s not enough time to make a big difference in this poll, but if it did, it was a positive one. We expect the August tracking poll to really reflect the results of Chris’ TV ad. I’m dying to see that one. [...]