Rick Perry: Go To Hell!
By Vince Leibowitz on Nov 7, 2006 in 2006 Texas Elections
Yes, Texas Governor Rick Perry has announced that all persons who are not born-again Christians are going to Hell.
Of course, if Rick Perry wins another term tonight, I think we’re probably all going to be living in Hell, but that’s beside the point.
Rick Perry’s comments amuse me as always, but this one makes me realize that it’s time to remind other Christian (and non-Christian) religious groups that Rick Perry thinks they are going to Hell, too.
So, here goes:
ATTENTION CATHOLICS: Texas Governor Rick Perry thinks you are going to Hell. What? Yes, even some guy over at QR agrees with me. Rick Perry just panders to you because you are pro-life!! He really thinks you are doomed to Hell!!
ATTENTION JEWS: You are not Christians, and certainly are not born again! By definition, Rick Perry thinks you are going to hell. This makes me mad because I had really wanted to spend eternity in heaven debating public policy with Barbara Radnofsky, Ellen Cohen and Kinky Friedman. Yes! They are all Jewish, and Rick Perry thinks they are going to hell.
ATTENTION MORMONS: I am not sure exactly what you believe, but you don’t believe anything that Rick Perry believes will get you to heaven (no matter how many spouses and/or children you have).
ATTENTION SCIENTOLOGISTS: I don’t know if Scientology can even be classified as a religion, but Rick Perry thinks you are going to hell. That’s right! Tom Cruise and John Travolta are going to burn in Hell with Chef from South Park!!! Rick Perry says so!
ATTENTION MUSLIMS: Oh, you are so going to Hell. Do not pass go, do not pick up 20 virgins. Don’t know why? Rick Perry will tell you why.
SNAKE HANDLING PENTACOSTALS: Well, ya’ll are probably safe, but I’m not sure. You’ve got the basics down, but you’ll have to ask Governor Perry if you are saved or not. I just don’t know.
I have also officially decided to stop reading the Bible and just write Rick Perry a letter any time I have a question about theology. I mean, it’s just so much safer than going to church or reading the Bible. Why risk having a trained pastor or Bible scholar interpret the bible for me when I can just ask Governor Perry! He’ll tell me. If not, I am sure James Leininger will.
And communion? Pshhh! Just bread & juice! I’m going to drink the same kind of Kool-Aide they serve at the Governor’s Mansion from now on! I don’t want to go to Hell!
Governor Perry is my Prayer Warrior!
You know what? Heck, maybe we should just pray to Governor Perry and get him to intercede on our behalf with the Lord. Surely he talks to God just like Pat Robertson. I wonder if that would be ok. I’ll be sure to write Governor Perry about that.
Oh, wait…if I asked Governor Perry to intercede with God for my prayers, that’d be dangerously close to the traditions of the Catholic faith….ohhh! What a quandry! I don’t know what to do! I’ll have to write Governor Perry and ask if God will allow that, because he knows.
Gosh darn you, Governor Perry! Why don’t you put all of this in writing so we can know exactly how to worship! I don’t want to go to Hell and a few missives in the media just before an election simply do not satisfy the spiritual appetite of your faithful disciples!
BTW, I’m chartering a tour to Vatican City later this month…I am so totally convinced that somewhere in their archives there is the Book of Rick that they left out of the Bible.
Rick Perry is such a jackass.
Kinky is not Jewish, he has stated many times that he is Judeo-Christian. That means a Jew who has accepted Christ into his heart.
BTW, that is what it means to be born again. It means - Jesus is the only name by which we can be saved from being punished for our sins. If you call upon Him to live in your heart and truly want to change, then He will live inside of you and that means you are reborn. And, yes, if you never do this you are not born-again but are living according to the laws of the old testament (or Karma, if you prefer that analogy). If you reject Jesus, He will reject you. Scary? Yes. True? Yes, if you believe the Bible. I do - I think that if God created every single atom in the entire Universe and ordered every molecule to come together the way they have and if He has created you and me, then I think He is quite capable of making sure that His Word says exactly what He wants it to say. He says that ANYONE can call upon Jesus. If Jeffrey Dahmer can repent and be forgiven and go to Heaven, then ANYONE can.
So, there it is. May this touch at least one person to start talking to Jesus. ( PS - We must never forget that God warned us that there would be scoffers and to not be one of them.)
So Perry appeared at Cornerstone with Pastor Hagee. That’s rich. Some Religious Righters are calling for new laws to make divorce harder to get. That might be a tough call for the Pastor, who has a sex scandal in his past. Hagee and his family are pulling down millions in salary from their “Armegeddon -Bring It Onâ€
theology. They’re a good fit for our sleazy Governor, like they were for Tom DeLay.