Legislative Week In Review

Things are down to the wire in the Texas Legislature. That is, if “wire” means “last few moments for the Republican Majority to totally screw Texans” and “Texas Legislature” means “a group among which the majority of participants belong in institutions for what people in Arkansas call being ‘touched in the head.’”

We here at Capitol Annex have been *very* busy this week. So, while we’ve personally been following the meltdown, we simply haven’t had time to blog on it. So, we’ve decided to give you a bit of a “week in review” of everything that has happened this week in the Lege. However, be warned: we’re in one of those snarky moods, so we may throw in a little snarky humor.

Monday, May 14, 2007.

Vacatin’/All I Ever Wanted/Vacatin’/Had To Get Away/Vacatin’: The rumors that there will be a motion to vacate the chair in the House paralyze the known world. The New York Stock Exchange suspends trading, people jump from balconies in Tokyo, planets stop mid-orbit and fall surreptitiously from the sky, and Tom DeLay interrupts his non-existent book tour to pray and fast for Tom Craddick. Paris Hilton starts a petition to keep Tom Craddick in the chair. The Republican Party of Texas calls Buck Wood to ask him if he knows who this Paris Hilton guy is.

Toll Roads. In hopes of staving off a veto on House Bill 1892, the Texas Senate passes out SB 792, the companion to HB 1892. The bill will provide that all future toll roads must be made from recycled bunny parts and crepe paper in the while simultaneously mandating that no more toll roads may be opened until Jesus comes back and opens a 112th Starbucks on Congress Avenue (the 13th sign of the Apocalypse in between 12 (Harvey Kronberg copying from blogs) and 14 (Rick Perry admitting he is addicted to the smell of Aqua Net).

It’s My Life. State Sen. Bob Deuell’s “Advanced Directives” bill heads to the Senate floor. Senator Dan Patrick questions Sen. Florence Shapiro on what she thinks about Senator Deuell’s bill to have “Advanced Directives” take the place of “Calculus” in high school curriculum. The Senate Democratic Caucus conspires to have Senator Patrick permanently exiled to Hobbs, New Mexico. Someone is heard saying “Goddamnit” off mic.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007.

Keffer, Speaker. Speaker, Keffer. Rep. Jim Keffer (R-Eastland) announces he will be a candidate for speaker during the next session of the Legislature. Somehow, no one checks to see that Craddick had already filed for this in February. The world once again stops in eager anticipation of word from Craddick on whether or not he’ll seek the post he’s already filed for. It all hinges on Nadine Craddick, who is so busy cleaning the $1,000 toilets in the Speaker’s Apartment she doesn’t have time to tell Tom it’s okay to run until later that afternoon. Fear of an outbreak of Mad Cow Disease on the floor of the House run rampant as many Republicans are found wandering around, hands in their pockets, mumbling “when will I get to be speaker? when will I get to be speaker?” Republicans remain blissfully unaware none of this will matter when Democrats regain control of the Texas House next November. Speaker Craddick pulls a Bob Dole and announces he’ll go ahead and resign his seat in the House to focus on the election for Speaker. The House Parliamentarian reminds Speaker Craddick that he has to be a House member to run for Speaker. He retracts resignation and adjourns to the Speaker’s Apartment for a Mint Julep and to listen to Tom DeLay’s book on tape while wrapped in a blanket.

Voter ID. Lt. Governor David Dewhurst tries to pull a fast one and bring up the Voter ID Bill, HB 218, while Sen. Carlos Uresti is off the floor suffering from stomach flu. Senator John Whitmire’s vote isn’t recorded, and all Hell breaks out on the Senate Floor. The vote is ultimately reconsidered after Senator Uresti is brought back to the floor loaded down with PeptoBismol. State Rep. Leo Berman runs out on the floor of the Senate and blames illegal immigrants for Senator Uresti’s stomach flu. He is chased away by Sen. Leticia Van De Putte and a rolled-up newspaper. Lt. Governor Dewhurst’s office issues a press release calling Sen. Whitmire a cussin’ crybaby whiner. Dewhurst claims his staff made that up just to post on the office bulletin board and it was sent out by accident by staffers who were drunk off too many Mint Juleps with Speaker Craddick. Senator Whitmire says he’s still going hunting with Dewhurst this fall, but that he’ll be bringing along Vice President Dick Cheney. Senator Dan Patrick blames the entire affair on the “two-thirds rule” and the fact that any woman can walk into a Walgreens in the greater Houston area and ask for an abortion and receive one at taxpayer expense from a Wicca abortion priestess.

Darfur Divestment. The House approves a bill that will require the state’s pension and investment funds to divest in any investments they have which are connected to genocide in Sudan’s Darfur region. State Rep. Bill Zedler raises a point of order that there is no Sudan County in Texas and asks why we would want to stop investing in neighborhoods in Houston anyway. Zedler is drop-tackled by Reps. Garnett Coleman, Jim Dunnam and Harold Dutton while State Rep. Senfronia Thompson seizes the front mic, tells members where Darfur is, and makes a motion to vacate the chair. Legislators think a “motion to vacate the chair” is a game akin to a Chinese Fire Drill, and all get up out of their seats and start running circles around their desks. Reps. Nathan Macias and Lois Kolkhurst run into each other and the Doctor of the Day is called in to treat minor cuts and scrapes acquired as a result of tripping over a copy of House Bill 1 someone carelessly left laying in the middle of the aisle. Rumors abound that Rep. Chisum deliberately put the copy of the massive bill in the aisle so that, where there a motion to vacate the chair, people would trip on it. A motion is made to call Buck Wood and ask if it is legal to attempt to stall a Speaker’s Race by stacking legislation in excess of 10 pages in length in the aisles of the House.

Gift Reporting. A bill is approved by the House that will require state officials who receive five gallon buckets of $100 bills to report not only the type, brand, and color of the bucket but also the fact that it contained $100 bills (including the quantity of $100 bills and their actual worth and market value).

Wednesday, May 17, 2007.

Abortion! Two abortion bills are put on the Major State Calender. This makes people wonder if this has anything to do with Craddick’s run for a fourth term as Speaker. State Sen. Dan Patrick storms into the House and demands to know the name and Social Security Number for the illegal immigrant whose Abortion Bill is being paid for by House Members. Rep. Mike Villarreal calls a point of order and reminds Senator Patrick that “bill” means both a statement of fees and a piece of legislation. Rep. Rafael Anchia chases Patrick from the House with a wheelbarrow containing the Committee Substitute to HB 1. Speaker Craddick announces he did not know he was running, never received any emails from the Texas Youth Commission that told him he was supposed to be running, and that if he did, Governor Perry’s staff deleted them after seven days in accordance with appropriate policy. Rep. Tan Parker brings a vacuum cleaner on the House Floor. When asked why, he replies, “I thought it was a motion to vacuum the chair. Silly me!” Rep. Diane White Delisi (R-Temple) moves to vacuum her chair, and says that Rep. Jodie Laubenberg has contaminated it with potato chip crumbs. The motion to vacuum Rep. Delisi’s chair is tabled, but not before a Point of Order is raised by Rep. Lon Burnam because the vacuum is not an Energy Star appliance. Speaker Craddick overruled that point of order because saying that Energy Star is the only deregulated utility that has never given his PAC any money and is thus not entitled to any points of order.

Clean Air? Rep. Dennis Bonnen pulls down SB 12 on the House third reading after Rep. Jessica Farrar offers an amendment he doesn’t like. Lt. Governor Dewhurst’s office issues a strongly worded letter calling Bonnen a crybaby. His office is forced to retract the letter after it discovers that Bonnen is (a) a Republican and (b) not a member of the Texas Senate. Rep. Delisi revives her motion to vacuum her chair. It is tabled 3-2 with 145 “Present but Not Voting.”

Informed Consent. Sen. Dan Patrick’s “informed consent” bill requiring women to get a sonogram before they have an abortion is recommitted to House State Affairs by Rep. Frank Corte on fears of a point of order. It is rumored that the point of order would have required that Hell freeze over before the bill could be taken up further.

Strip! Anti-voucher language is stripped by conferees on the General Appropriations Act, HB 1. James Leininger is seen in the second floor back hall with a fistfull of $100 bills.
It is unclear if he was headed to a strip club to take advantage of its facilities before the $5 cover fee bill is passed or was simply trying to buy votes. House Democratic Leader Jim Dunnam starts asking questions about why the language was stripped. As soon as Dunnam gets the question out, DPS troopers are seen on ladders all over the Capitol removing security cameras using screwdrivers and wirecutters with the KCI logo on them. Suspicious.

SUAC? Dewhurst issues a press release seen as calling Senate Democrats un-American because they are blocking a vote on the Voter ID bill. State Sen. Dan Patrick moves that the senate create a Senate Un-American Activities Committee and that it subpoena all “beatniks, hippies, and weed-smokin’ thugs” to ask if they are conspiring with Senators to keep the bill from the floor.

Thursday, May 17, 2007.

Toll Roads! Another toll road moratorium bill is passed by the Texas House. In an interesting twist, members amend the bill with a floor substitute that would simply state “Toll Roads may only accept Sacagawea Dollars.” It is widely believed that, since no one uses Sacagawea Dollars, there will never, ever, ever be any more toll roads in Texas. Rep. Leo Berman raises a point of order and says that Sacagawea was an illegal immigrant and is thus not entitled to any state benefits.

More Voter ID. It is announced that Sen. Mario Gallegos must return to Houston for a surgical procedure. A travel agent is summoned to the Senate Democratic Caucus where inquirys are made about whether New Mexico, Montana, or Oklahoma would be the most comfortable place to hide out when breaking quorum.

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