A Texas UFO Sighting: Finally, Republicans Have A Campaign Issue To Call Their Own

It isn’t political at all, but we find the reports of a UFO sighting in Stephenville interesting because of the likely political implications this “event” could have in the 2008 election cycle.

Will UFOs in Texas be the sleeper issue of the 2008 state election cycle? Word on the street is, after all, that Republicans are desperate to find something to make themselves sound relevant this cycle. I mean, an “alien” from outer space is probably the same as an “alien” from Mexico to stalwarts like Leo Barman (R-Tyler).

And, I’m sure that Pro-Craddick Republicans like Rep. Betty Brown (R-Terrell) would be glad to have any campaign issue to talk about that doesn’t involves Speaker Tom Craddick (R-Midland). I’m sure she’d much rather be asked if she believes in UFOs and little green men than whether or not she’s supporting Craddick for another term.

So, why not UFOs? It’s a natural fit for Republicans: they can stomp and stammer about a Texas UFO Defense System, Governor Rick Perry can look relevant again as he calls up the Texas National Guard for emergency UFO training, and Lt. Governor David Dewhurst will be of significant use because he kind of looks like an alien from outer-space himself. And, of course, Land Commissioner Jerry Patterson can teach all of the GOP candidates how to shoot the aliens if they happen to land on territory under the control of the General Land Office.

State Sen. Dan Patrick (R-Houston) can call on Attorney General Greg Abbott to issue an opinion on whether or not veterans of inter-galactic wars are eligible for benefits under the Hazlewood Act, and can complain about how we need to modify the “two-thirds” rule in the Senate in case of an alien invasion.

Harris County GOP Chair Jared Woodfill can start claiming that DA Chuck Rosenthal was the victim of an alien abduction to help justify his outlandish behavior. This would also help Republicans like Rep. John Davis (R-Fort Bend County) explain their mysterious absences from forums and campaign events (My Dear Constituents, I was abducted by an Alien from Outer Space last night, and thus missed the forum! I am so sorry, but am recovering nicely from the anal probe!).

U.S. Senator John Cornyn can be for an intergalactic wall before he is against it before he is for it again, and U.S. Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison can sit bemused and watch from afar as she contacts her consultants on her Blackberry and demands they immediately come up with polling models to determine whether she should be “for” or “against” a variety of issues related to the saga for her 2010 run for Governor.

The Texas Supreme Court justices, of course, will just put their hands out and ask for money from whatever white-shoe law firm happens to end up representing aliens who have crashed their airships into each other over Texas airspace. Chief Justice of the Court of Criminal Appeals Sharon Keller can contemplate the legal theories she can use to justify execution of aliens on the spot without contacting their consulate (if they have one).

Reps. Debbie Riddle, Jodie Laubenberg, and Vicki Truitt will be all atwitter as they hit the campaign trail talking about new and better ways to deny healthcare, reproductive care, and basic human rights to yet another class of “citizens” all the while pledging (pun intended) to themselves they won’t make the mess out of their next bills or amendments as they each did in the 80th Session of the Texas Legislature.

State Rep. Frank Corte (R-San Antonio) will pontificate on the campaign trail about how aliens will cause an increase in abortion, while the State Board of Education’s Republican members will have yet another issue they can exclude from Texas textbooks using that great principle of public policy, “WWJD?”

Tina Benkiser, Hans Klinger, and Talmadge Heflin at the Republican Part of Texas will devise mailers (funded by corporate lobbyists on the “Down Low”) accusing every Democrat in the Texas Legislature of having voted to repeal alien sodomy laws, voted for giving aliens the right to vote, and voted for free abortions for aliens and–of course, welfare for aliens.

So, you can see, this will be a great issue for the Republicans to tramp down on. I’ll bet they are calling Tom DeLay right now and thanking him for arranging for that UFO to fly right over Texas, and reminding him to get out his map colors because 2012 is right around the corner.

[Ed. Note: Yes, we wrote this post with tongue in cheek, just so you know.]

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