Best & Worst Of 2008: Leftover Turkeys Of The Year

Yeah, most publications published their “Turkeys of the Year” during Thanksgiving week. We’ve never been one to go against the grain, so we’re doing it in conjunction with the rest of our Best & Worst of 2008. Anyway, most of the folks and events that we designate below aren’t really “Turkeys.” Turkeys, when handled properly, are plump, juicy, and well seasoned.

These folks and events don’t qualify. They’re more like leftover turkey that has been sitting out for a while: greasy, tough, tasteless, cold, and, if ingested in improper quantities or at bad temperatures, you’ll wind up on the toilet for hours.

In a year when some douchebag Napalmed the governor’s mansion, a member of the State Board of Education writes an anti-Obama manifesto, and state representative candidates are caught lying about surveys they took, you know there will be no shortage of Leftover Turkeys of the Year.

So, without further ado, here are our Leftover Turkeys Of The Year for 2008–in, of course, no particular order.

Tom Craddick. It’s hard to believe this guy is still around. He’s survived more coup attempts than a 1970s era dictator in a Third World country. He’s already got his own secret police, and we suspect that Talmadge Heflin will sign on as his personal food taster within days. And, as a new year dawns, the world is pondering whether we’ll be writing Tom Craddick’s political obituary or if his opponents will be putting on their flack jackets and taking their seats on the House Agriculture Committee on January 13. Dear Santa, please bring us a new Speaker for Christmas. And, please, make it Senfronia Thompson.

Nick Lampson & Michael Skelley. What happens when you run to the right in a year when voters in Harris County are so pissed at Republicans that they dump a boatload of judges and vote for a Democrat for President for the first time since Lyndon Johnson was walking the corridors of power in Washington? You lose. Nick Lampson, bless his heart, thought it was a great strategy to be a right-of-center Congressman after defeating Dracula Cunt in 2006–after kicking Tom DeLay’s ass up to Virginia. And, for a while, that looked like a good idea. But, when you run as a Blue Dog against a Real Republican, the Republicans and right-leaning independents, are not going to give you many crossover votes. As for Michael Skelley, he gets the designation for taking a dump-a-roo on MoveOn.org. Yes, MoveOn is often controversial and sometimes you don’t want them coming down to your district and pissing in every corner of the room. But, when you presume to speak for every Democrat by saying it is time for MoveOn to “move out of Texas,” you are a turkey. All that would have been required here would have been a better choice of words. But telling them to “move out of Texas” took things too far and, quite frankly, it pissed a lot of people off. Yes, even those who were pissed realized why he didn’t want them fooling around in his district–and would have supported him wholeheartedly if he had used a better choice of words.

Cynthia Dunbar. Quaaludes have been off the market in the United States for a generation, but evidently Cynthia Dunbar has a full supply tucked away in her purse. It is the only way to explain her idiotic article in which she claimed that an Obama presidency would result in martial law in the United States (among other things). It is one thing to say bad things about Obama because you are a Republican, but to pen a missive that sounds like you wrote it while high on prescription drugs and eight pounds of Magic Mushrooms is something else. We can picture Cynthia Dunbar in the middle of her living room floor, nude, covered in Anointing Oil with a bible in one hand and a pen in the other speaking in tongues while writing her missive–and it is not a pretty picture to have in your head. Hey, it is either that or we have to believe that an elected official in this state actually fits the clinical definition of “slap-ass crazy,” and since we know none of our elected officials are nuttier than a proverbial fruitcake…..

Ralph Sheffield. When you plan to lie about your answers on a survey conducted by a national organization, make damned sure that the national organization is going to back up your lie. Ralph Sheffield didn’t. In a classic “oh, shit!” moment for a campaign, Ralph Sheffield was caught lying about his answers on Project Vote Smart’s “Political Courage Test” when his opponent, Sam Murphey, called him out over one of his answers. Sheffield said he never gave that answer, but the fact was that he did, and then demanded that Project Vote Smart change his answers. Then he held a press conference centered around a lie and the media caught him. He’ll fit right in in the “I never voted to kick kids off CHIP! The House Journal is wrong!” culture of the House Republican Caucus.

Michael L. Williams. Texas Railroad Commissioner Michael L. Williams wants to move up to higher office and everyone knows it. But failing to show up for editorial board meetings with the state’s major newspapers, becoming the latest Republican to manipulate the legacy of Martin Luther King, Jr., and putting out a YouTube video attacking one of the state’s finest investigative reporters aren’t exactly the kind of qualities we expect to see in people–even Republicans–who seek higher office. Gobble, Gobble, Gobble.

Texas Voters. Yes, you guys are a bunch of turkeys. In the Democratic Primary, you rushed to the polling places to vote for Clinton and Obama without, by and large in many areas, bothering to check what else was on the ballot. The results were not amusing. I mean, for God’s Sakes: you people elected James “Patriot” Dillon in a Democratic Primary–yeah, the guy with a PhD in 9/11 truths. What the hell were you thinking? Seriously. Pick up a damned voter’s guide once in a while. Read a newspaper. In the general election, you re-elected people like State Rep. John Davis (R-Clear Lake). Sigh.

Mike Krusee. The only thing that would have made your DWI arrest more hilarious would have been if it had happened on a toll road.

Ron Wilson. Seriously, what the hell are you still doing hanging around the Capitol? Why the hell are you giving media tours? Is retirement from the Legislature really that boring? Should the state invest in a series of Homes for Former Legislators so you can have a place to go and play bingo or something to keep yourself occupied? We could even set the cafeteria up to look like the House Chamber! Look, we’ll be blunt: take a world cruise, take up professional poker, become a world famous breeder of hairless cats, build model ships, learn to paint or sculpt, become interested in popsicle stick art, buy a package of crayons and a coloring book–but do SOMETHING, because your version of being an “elder statesman” damned sure isn’t working. Just please go away. Buy a Wii and take up Wii bowling. Become a Karoke superstar. Do something. Go away. Please. Pretty please?

Rick Perry. This year, Governor Goodhair announced he’d seek a third term as governor. He totally turned the state’s response to Hurricane Ike into a giant clusterfuck, and used it to help promote the political agendas of his cronies. Oh yeah, and he wanted so badly to become Vice President that he endorsed America’s Mayor for President. Hell, he was even commended by the Turkey Federation this year. You can’t make this stuff up.

Kay Bailey Hutchison. Have you ever heard the old expression, “shit or get off the pot?” Once again, it is time for Kay Bailey Hutchison to get off the pot and she acts like she is stuck to the toilet with super glue, dodging and weaving around if or when she’ll resign from the Senate to run for Governor. Just make whatever your decision is public already. You cannot possibly milk this for any more earned media…or, can you….?

State Rep. John Davis. Where do we start? We can’t even begin to describe why this guy is such a turkey, so just check our most recent posts on him. If you read this blog on a regular basis, you know why. If you don’t, here is a refresher.

The Primacaucus. Yeah, this was one big disaster. It doesn’t matter whose side you were on, you have to admit that the primacaucus is a broken system in need of repair.

The 2008 Texas Democratic Party Credentials Committee. Seriously, there was no remedy you could come up with for some of this stuff?

Whoever Torched The Governor’s Mansion. Whoever you are, you aren’t just a leftover turkey, you’re a slimy sleazeball. Enough said.

Crisis Pregnancy Centers. A study this year revealed that they are major-league screwed up. No surprise there.

Pulpit Freedom Sunday. Several Texas pastors decided to openly defy IRS laws and praise and endorse John McCain from the pulpit.

The Nueces County Republican Party. You can’t get much more trashy than some of the tactics that the Nueces County Republican Party stooped to this year. From their trashy attack ad against Abel Herrero to other stuff, they were the poster child for trashy campaign tactics this cycle.

Nathan Macias. Simply unable to stand the fact that voters had actually rejected him, he filed an ill-fated lawsuit to challenge the results of the Republican Primary in HD 73.

Leo Berman. Gawd A’Mighty! We cannot wait to see if Leo will take on Kay Bailey & Governor Goodhair in the 2010 GOP Primary fer Texas Governor. This year, Leo was a busy man. Thanks ta’ not having a primary to bother with, and not having to spend lots of time standing up on the House floor speechifyin’ n’ blaming that shocking outbreak of “the Plague” that is infectin’ all a’ Texas on them illegal Meskins, he spent his time a writin’ more legislation aimed at scarin’ tha tar outta them Meskins, and tryin’ to shut down them thar Communist, Socialist teachers unions and makin’ sure that Texas ain’t gotta edumacate none of them Meskin childrin.

Kim Brimer. Seriously, Senator. You are not Tip O’Neil. Take that damned stubble of a cigar out of your mouth. This is not the 1970s and you are not a character on All In The Family. Oh, and come January 1, you will not be a State Senator any more either! After dodging your record, suing to get Wendy Davis off the ballot and then lying about what mayors had endorsed you, you should probably be heading this list.

George W. Bush. Yeah, he’s not in Texas, but he’s from Texas, he’s coming back to Texas, and he said something while in Texas that gets him on this list: “The Economy Got Drunk….” Yeah, the economy got drunk, all right. The only thing that would have made this statement even more “W” is if he’d followed it with “and peed on Laura!” Oh, Mr. President! What a source of pride your presidency has been to all Texans who have ever read a single book without pictures.

Ron Paul. The Ron Paul “Revolution” turned out to be the most overrated concept since Crystal Pepsi–and one with an even shorter shelf life. Plus to Crystal Pepsi, though, because its aftertaste went away much quicker that did that of the Ron Paul Revolution.

John Cornyn. Oh, Senator Corn Dog. We’re stuck with you for a few more years, even as it is rumored you will make a run for the White House in 2012. Word to the wise: if you wear that lovely fringed Western jacket you had on in the “Big John” video, it will make it much harder for Governor Sarah Palin to shoot you down from a helicopter.

Angie Chen Button. DART experiences a gazillion dollar shortfall, and her best explaination is, “something happened.” Ding! Ding! Ding! Come on down! You’re the next Republican most qualified for a seat on the House Appropriations Committee! Seriously, “something happened,” should become the Republicans’ new stock answer for everything. Kids uninsured? “Something happened!” Governor’s mansion burned down with lax DPS security? “Something happened!” Texas’ mental institutions are in really shitty shape? “Something happened!” Works. Every. Time. Oh, and she has money invested in companies that are doing business in friggin’ Sudan. If that doesn’t just touch your heart and warm your soul, nothing will.

Congressman Mike McCaul & McCaul Campaign Spokesperson Mike Rosen. One would think that Congressmen who sit in the very body that must pass copyright laws would, oh, I dunno….pay a little more attention to them? When Capitol Annex asked McCaul’s campaign to remove stolen content from their website, they declined….and their ISP promptly pulled the plug on a little site the campaign had running to slam Larry Joe Doherty, the Democrat in the race. As if that wasn’t enough, they sent out press releases that were so full of hot air they practically floated across the skies.

Tweet This Post   Ping This Post

Bookmark It