Revenue estimates from Carole Keeton Strayhorn are quite similar: you should have no expectation whatsoever that they’ll be worth a damn.

Surely we all remember 1999, when Raggedy Ann (then known as “Rylander”) boosted her revenue estimates by $800 million to help Governor George W. Bush look good in his race for president.

Now, Raggedy Ann says that the state will be $4.3 billion in the black at the end of the current budget cycle. The Fort Worth Star-Telegram gave this some nice play, but my thoughts are, uh, “so?”

The only revenue estimate that counts is the one issued when the Lege goes into session. God knows what that will be. (If Susan Combs is the comptroller, she’ll probably say it’s $43 trimabalizan dollars and one dirty, smut-filled novel.) The point is, though that Strayhorn’s politically motivated calculations shouldn’t cause anyone to get their panties in a wad at this point.

Of course, everyone under the sun has already come up with ways to spend this surplus that may or many not exist and may or may not be as big as she says it is.

While it should be spent on things like education and social services, I’m sure the Republicans will want to spend it on far, right-wing, radical priorities. And, just for fun, I’ve listed several (fictious?) possibilities:

•printing out millions of copies of color pictures of fetuses, which will then be statutorily mandated to be hung in family planning clinics.
•funding school voucher ‘pilot programs’ in Highland Park, Alamo Heights, and River Oaks.
•creating the Bob Perry Endowed Chair In Construction Science at Texas A&M University.
•purchasing Prentice Hall (or another textbook publisher) so that the State Board of Education can truly go hog wild with anti-evolution, pro-Christian educational materials.
•Buy tons of stock in James Leininger’s companies.

The list could truly go on and on. Please share YOUR IDEAS on what the Republicans might want to do with the surplus in the comments.

To boot (or, perhaps, to ‘flip flop’ would be a more appropriate footware related term), they’ve actually listed her flip-flops in a handy dandy little list:

On The Trans Texas Corridor:

• 2000: Strayhorn in a review of the Texas Department of Transportation recommended toll roads: “Building highways through toll financing rather than pay-as-you-go financing dramatically speeds the time it takes to complete a given project.”
• Now: “I am adamantly opposed to this massive toll plan,” Strayhorn said. “Rick Perry calls it Trans-Texas Corridor. I call it Trans-Texas Catastrophe, and as governor, I will blast it off the bureaucratic books.”

On Vouchers:

• Before: Won election as comptroller in 1998 with the help of a $950,000 loan from voucher advocate James Leininger. Strayhorn said she supported vouchers as a means of giving parents a choice when their children were trapped in failing schools.
• January: “When I’ve talked about vouchers; philosophically I wouldn’t have a problem with that for disadvantaged kids. But let me tell you what, that was before we had five years of this administration that is absolutely totally dismantling our public school system day by day.”
• Early February: “I will veto any type of legislation that puts a single dollar into any voucher program, period.”
• Late February: “I’m not saying I would never support them. I’m saying that I would take vouchers off the table for discussion. No more talk until we address the needs of public schools.”
Abortion

That’s a lot of flip-flops in a matter of a few short months.

On A Woman’s Right To Choose:

• 1985: “She refused to discuss her position on abortion.” — Austin American-Statesman
“She has been pro-choice on abortion, although she now says she opposes abortion personally and would rule out tax dollars for its practice, except in cases of rape incest or where the mother’s life is threatened.” — Christian Science Monitor
• 1990s: Signed pledges for the Republican National Coalition for Life to oppose abortion and told Greater Austin Right to Life that she supported overturning the Supreme Court decision allowing abortions.
• Now: “I have made my position very clear. As a mama and a grandmama, I believe in the sanctity of life, but I understand that there are those heartbreaking situations where heartbreaking decisions have to be made.”

Is it still unclear to anyone that Carole Keeton Strayhorn has no positions except those which are most politically expediant at the given moment she opens her mouth?

Sans an appearance by Sexual Harassment/Don’t Sue People Panda (and any sexual harassment being involved in this particular case), Carole Keeton Strayhorn suing the Secretary of State to be listed as ‘Grandma’ on the ballot is begining to remind me way, way, too much of this South Park episode. And my ability to continue to distinguish Carole Strayhorn from Eric Cartman is becoming very, very….very…..very diminished.
I’ve called Strayhorn, “Comptroller Cartman” before because she seems to have effectively adopted his “Whatava! I do what I want! I do what I want! Respect My Authoritah!” mantra.

After all, the woman has to know she has no chance in hell of being able to be listed on the ballot as “Grandma.” I’m sure a thousand election law attorneys (if there are that many in Texas) lined up in a row would all tell Strayhorn, “lady, you’re crazy,” if she just went down the row asking them, “Do you think I can be listed on the ballot as “Grandma?”

Just for fun, here is what I think Strayhorn’s testimony will sound like if she has to get on the stand and testify about her “grandma-ness:” (If you’re a fan of South Park, you know where most of her phrases come from. If not, go here)

Attorney for the State: Comptroller Strayhorn, you have petitioned this court to be listed on the ballot as, “Grandma,” is that correct.

CKMRStrayhorn: Yeah, it’s correct. Whatevah. I do what I want. I run Grandma’s House.

AFS: Uh, ok. And, Comptroller Strayhorn, why do you believe that, in your case, “Grandma” constitutes an actual name for you and not a slogan?

CKMRS: Hippieeees…. Hippieees all around me, they say they wanna save the world but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad….

AFS: Excuse me, Comptroller Strayhorn?

CKMRS: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. Because I am a mother and a grandmother, and people on the street just call me “Grandma.”

AFS: I’m sorry?

CKMRS: I’m seriously you guys!

AFS: Ok. But why do you believe you have some special right to have this moniker on the ballot?

CKMRS: You’re breaking my balls here, you’re breaking my balls!

AFS: I beg your pardon?

CKMRS: Well…

AFS: Never mind. Don’t you think it’s a little obtouse of you to think you have this special right?

CKMRS: I’m not fat, I’m big boned.

AFS: What? I’m confused?

CKMRS: Mmm. Your tears are so yummy and sweet!

AFS: What? I have no idea what you are talking about.

CKMRS: You see, it’s like this. Secretary of State Roger Williams is trying to disenfranchise me. This is all a bunch of tree-hugging hippie crap. I was just hangin out in the SPC, kickin it with some Gs on the west sieeda, ya’ know, and I started thinking that if Kinky Friedman can be Kinky then I should be able to be Grandma, goddamnit! You will respect my authoritah!

AFS: Comptroller Stryhorn, I think you just made my point. You called one of your opponents, Mr. Friedman, “Kinky.” Your honor, the state rests.

CKMRS: Oh, goddamit!!!! Democrats piss me off! I mean it’s like he called me a pussay! Shut your stupid Jew mouth!!! That’s right, I’m talking to you, Kinky. Na na na na na na, Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I will not live my life as a Goddamn minority!

Although that may be slightly more low-brow than we have to look forward to, it is humerous.

For Gary Hart, it was lying to the media about hanky-panky with women who were not his wife…for Clayton Williams, it was saying that “rape is like a fog,” and that women should just sit back and enjoy it…for Edwin Muskie, it was when a snowflake got into his eye and he seemed to cry while defending his wife during his 1972 presidential campaign.

For Carole Keeton Strayhorn, this moment will standout:

At a news conference on the front lawn of a campaign headquarters she calls Grandma’s House, Strayhorn said she intends to file suit sometime this week in state District Court to have Williams’ ruling struck down. When asked if she might be wasting the court’s time, Strayhorn said it was Williams who is cluttering the docket.

“I’m not tying up the court. It’s the secretary of state who incorrectly interpreted the law,” Strayhorn said. “Grandma is a not a slogan. Grandma is who I am.”

Notwithstanding the fact that Roy Minton is probably not relishing the day when he’ll have to stand up before a state district judge and argue that his client should be able to have her name on the ballot as “Grandma,” this is simply the dumbest and worst thing to happen to the Strayhorn campaign.

And, although I disagree with Strayhorn in most instances and believe she is a political opportunist to the maximum degree, no one who has spent any time in politics can say that—at one time—her campaign did not show some promise of being at least moderately successful.

However, months of stupid stunts, statements and feuds coupled with the two paragraphs above—which detail a pattern of behavior more at home in the campaign for president of the Hudspeth County Quilting Club than in a race for governor—have caused me to believe ‘Comptroller Cartman’s’ campaign has ‘jumped the shark.’

That’s good news and that’s bad news, but I’ll get to that in a minute. First, I want to talk about the “grandma” situation.

I wish there was actually video of this press conference online somewhere, because you can bet we’ll be seeing it in a political ad come October. If I were a political consultant, I can think of nothing better than putting some of the above exchange in a 30 second television spot.

Why? Because it makes Strayhorn sound like she has no sense whatsoever.

I’ve bashed Strayhorn time and time again—but I won’t deny that the woman is smart and can be politically ruthless and cut-throat when needed. We’ve seen her attack Perry for years and—let’s be honest—she looked at least reasonably competent doing so.

Now, she’s like a myna bird cross bred with a suicidal Norway Lemming. What is wrong with this woman? Did someone forget to make her take her meds or what?

You might think that sounds harsh. But, it’s not. Anyone who would take this aspect of their campaign to the extreme that she is taking this “grandma” thing is clearly in bad shape.

I mean, let’s consider a couple of things. Strayhorn’s wanting to use “grandma,” because she’s never appeared on the ballot as “Strayhorn.” It’s always been “Rylander” for statewide office and “McClellan” for Austin Mayor and AISD. She thinks voters are stupid (I won’t dispute her on that, some are pretty dumb) and won’t know that Carole Keeton Strayhorn is the same lady they voted for in 2002 as Carole Keeton Rylander.

If that is the case, then why didn’t she ask to be on the ballot as “Carole Rylander Strayhorn,” or “Carole Keeton Rylander Strayhorn?” Judging from the criteria Roger Williams claims he used in making the determination, Strayhorn could have gotten on the ballot in this manner, possibly with no questions asked and, poof! Problem solved. It’s all ‘Rylanderlicious.’
But, no. She wants to take a campaign slogan she’s used for years, “One Tough Grandma,” and wear it out worse than Sprint’s “Can You Hear Me Now?” slogan.

Further, that voters don’t know who Strayhorn is is simply asinine. People know she was Rylander, and they know she changed her name. I’d venture to say that she gets her name mentioned in the press twice as much as Rick Perry does, by virtue of the fact that her office constantly sends out press releases on sales tax rebates and all that jazz—which papers actually print. For God’s sakes, the woman actually sent out a press release when she got married and became “Strayhorn,”—and it was covered in the press. And, everyone remembers her damned Texas Tomorrow Fund commercials. And, even if you watch the crappiest of local TV newscasts every night and never pick up a newspaper, chances are you’ve heard her name mentioned ten or eleven times in the past six months and it’s registered with you who she is.

I don’t know if any “name recognition” surveys exist that would have included Texas’ current sitting officeholders. I’d damned sure bet, though, that if they did, Strayhorn would be number one or number two. From 2002-2005, it seemed as though she managed to get more press than Perry and all the members of the House and Senate combined. Like Congressman Jeb Hensarling (R-Dallas), the woman has an opinion on every issue (of course, it changes with the wind, but she has an opinion…).

Worst of all, Strayhorn’s starting to sound like a Grandma. And not the kind that bakes cookies and changes diapers, or the one who works as a greeter at Wal-Mart. She’s starting to sound like the old lady who lives down the street with 52 cats who talks to herself in the supermarket and thinks her fillings are being monitored by the CIA.

As I mentioned before, this is a good news/bad news thing for Texas Democrats.

It’s a good news thing because, surely now any bleeding of our base from Bell to Strayhorn will cease. It is a bad news thing because Rick Perry’s base could stop bleeding, too.

I tend to think, however, that Strayhorn will still pull Republicans though she’ll stop pulling Democrats. After all, many Republicans see this as a life-and-death fight between the far right of their party establishment and the mainstream Republicans. The mainstream may stick with Strayhorn, irregardless of how many cats move into Grandma’s House.

This week, Democratic gubernatorial nominee Chris Bell told Carole 4n3p (that’s 4-names, 3-parties for the uninitiated) to dig in her own backyard for supporters instead of trying to flip-flop around like a dying rainbow trout in hopes that some of her new-found positions will resonate with Democrats:

“There’s no question that Carole Strayhorn has spent a lot of time playing in our back yard and going a long way toward trying to trick Democrats into believing that she’s something that she’s not,” Bell said.

Of course, Strayhorn has to dig for bones in Dems’ back yards because she’s been crapping in her own Republican doghouse for so long the stench has driven away a lot of her base.

In spite of being spayed by Bell’s comments, Strayhorn is obviously well aware of the fact that her best possible gains can be made by undergoing yet another Political Extreme Makeover.

Nevertheless, as the saying I goes, you can take the whore out of the whorehouse but you can’t stop the woman from being a whore. The same is true with Strayhorn.

She’s ‘out’ of the Republican party and dancing all around in the gray area between the party platforms:

First she’s for vouchers, then she’s against them, but she’s only against them now because she was against them before she was for them.First she wanted more toll roads, now she is against toll roads, but she’s only against them now because she was against them before she was for them.

Just two prime examples. Strayhorn (aka Comptroller Cartman, a la “I do what I want! I do what I want!”) is trying harder and harder to wash off her streak of Republican spots, but, like taking Nair to a dalmation, you’ll still see the spots when you are done. I fully expect Strayhorn to announce any day now that she either (a) has had an abortion, or (b) favors nationalized healthcare just in an effort to dig up more Democratic votes.

But, were’ On To her Games. And, so are the Republicans, which is why she’s trying to steal our base instead of the less-conservative from her own party. While many of them will drift on over to Strayhorn anyway as the “anybody but Perry” movement among Republicans fearful of losing the governors’ mansion takes hold, she knows that, to win, she’s got to steal Democratic votes, too.

Sadly for Strayhorn, she’s not likely to get too many. For the past several election cycles, that “D” base has stayed at 40-43 percent in many statewide races and, in spite of what polling numbers claim to illustrate, there is no real reason to believe it will drop below that. And, as long as they stay well within that range, Chris Bell is within the “magic number” of votes Democrats need to win a plaurality and take back the Governor’s Mansion.

And, I’ve heard a nasty rumor that Strayhorn’s financial base is about to dry up to a trickle. Some of the trial lawyers she’s sucked off are coming back following the announcement of Bell’s financial numbers for the current reporting period, according to my sources. In addition, she knows she can’t rely on late-money surges from James Leininger and Bob Perry because, alas, they are sticking with the “true conservative” Rick Perry (inasmuch as Rick Perry can now be called such, given the uproar over the tax plan being created by wingnuts within his own party).

While Chris Bell is getting rubies and sapphires as campaign contributions, I think Texas Democrats ought to send Carole Keeton Strayhorn a contribution of our own:

How about a box of Milkbones…to remind her to dig in her own backyard!

Perhaps, it’s because I expect her to suddenly, in the middle of a press conference one day, start shouthing, “Whateva’! Whateva’! I do what I want! I do what I want! Respect my authoritah!”

That’s evidently kind of what she did when it came to her much-publicized investigation of the Texas Residential Construction Commission earlier this year.

Now, Texas AG Gregg Abbott says One Tough Grandma, Carole-Four-Names-Three Parties “had no authority to investigate and release a critical report about the performance of the Texas Residential Construction Commission this year.”

So, I guess she won’t be “blast[ing] this Texas Residential Construction Commission builder-protection agency off the bureaucratic books.”

But, she’s ready to raise hell with Gregg Abbott, and is mincing no words when telling the AG what he can do with his (also highly-publicized) opinion:

“I was asked by a legislator to investigate the Texas Residential Construction Commission. I did it, and if the Attorney General wants to take me to court, let’s go.”

My goodness! CKMRS was already in court once this week and she’s ready for another round.

Honestly, whether Strayhorn was right or wrong in instituting her investigation is, in fact, a matter of opinion. Though the AG is the highest “law enforcement” officer and the state’s top attorney, the fact is that his Opinions are opinions (that’s why they’re called that), and the only interpretation of the law in that regard that counts is the interpretation of a judge.

Keep in mind that the Comptroller’s office did, in fact, formerly have a lot of wide-ranging authority before she pissed off the Republican Party’s far right during the 2003 legislative session and they started peeling tasks away from her agency (in particular, things she could easily politicize) faster than Republicans run to a prayer breakfast.  Now, Abbott and Strayhorn disagree over whether or not she still has this authority following the 2003 legislation.
That said, while the TRCC is badly in need of both investigation and being wiped off the “bureaucratic books” (somehow, I never can find those at Barnes & Noble), OTG’s investigation was a mere political stunt. The fact is that she’s prone to such things, kind of like your dear, elderly, somewhat senile grandmother is prone to call you by your sibling’s name. And, that’s ok. Just like you chuckle about being called “Bobby” even though your name is “Sue,” we can chuckle about OTG’s ranting and ravings.

All of this, of course, is really more of Republicans eating their own.

Keep in mind that Abbott’s on his party’s far-right. Strayhorn’s been everything from a liberal Democrat to a God-fearing Republican to a bra-burning, child-health-insurance-protecting bleeding heart Republican and everhting in between before deciding that “Texas independent” fit her better than the shackes of the party she’s been identified with for so long.

But, given that even Abbott knows she’s daining votes from Perry, every punch the GOP establishment can land at her chin is, in their minds, beneficial.